the Eu in Lah!

before coming back to sing on my last night, my cousins together with my aunts, bro, mom and i went to this bar in makati. during that night there was this one song that stuck to my mind the whole night…

Break it to me gently, let me down the easy way
Make me feel that you still love me, if its just, if its just for one more day.
Break it to me gently, so my tears, my tears wont fall too fast.

If you must go, then go slowly.
Let me love you ’till then.

The love we shared, for oh so long is such a big part of me.
If you must take your love a way, take it gradually.

Break it, break it to me gently.
Give me time, oh give me a little time to ease the pain.
Love me just a little longer, ’cause I’ll never ever love again.
‘Cause I’ll never love again.

how ironic that i was soon to find out that this song’s wish would never be granted. because as soon as i came back what happened was actually the opposite. there was really nothing ‘gradual’ about it. i guess i knew it all along. the past few months i already felt the truth. i wrote this sometime last may…

How do you tell your heart to stop
To stop hoping for something that will never be
When will your heart recognize the truth
No matter how much it hurts

What happens when love ends
When letting go is all there is
Why don’t you give me another chance
Is it really that hard to do

What do you do with a broken heart
Tell me what to do
I just can’t stand losing you
I feel so lost without you

Is it true you have someone new
What did she do to you
Tell me that it isn’t true
That I’m the only one for you

I never thought goodbye could be like this
When longing for you is all there is
But if this is what you really want
Then go ahead follow your heart

hopefully someday i’ll be able to write happy things for a change. things about hope and love. things that would make other people feel good about themselves. hopefully that time comes soon. and i really hope it won’t be anything but gradual.

i never knew that saying goodbye can be so hard. it’s easier said than done. most of the time i often wonder if i’ll ever get through this. but i know i will. because once you’ve hit rock bottom there’s nowhere to go but up.

here are some thoughts that have kept me going these past few days…

i deserve someone who accepts me for who i really am, including all my flaws, no matter how bad.

someone who loves me so much that it hurts. because life without me would be unbearable.

someone sensitive who takes my hand in times of sadness and despair, instead of holding a cigarette.

someone who will never get tired of me. who will always look forward to seeing me at home after a hard day’s work.

someone who isn’t afraid of commitment. who is mature enough to deal with problems and not run away from them.

i’ve learned that I am capable of giving so much love to the point that i have left none for myself.

that you will never really know a person unless you’ve lived with them.

that there are many people around me who really care about me and that i could find friendship even in people that i least expected.

and now, as i bid goodbye to the past with a heavy heart, i find myself waving my hands bravely to greet the beginning of a new future. a future that’s so full of uncertainty and promise. but nevertheless, to the future i say: bring it on. because this girl has nothing more to lose.

it’s exactly 10:01pm. and i’m here at the office working (never mind that an earthquake just occured a few hours ago and that my officemates and i had to evacuate the building,..we were on the 33th floor!). and i suddenly realised that i only had barely 4 hours of sleep this morning (which might explain my dizziness…wait that’s probably from the earthquake! :P). well at this hour and at this state, a person like myself suddenly had this sudden urge to write.
for those of you wondering about the title of this entry, it was actually one of my cousins who called me the ‘prodigal daughter’ (which surprises me because i’m really a good girl…not! pagtulog is more like it. hehe :p). let’s just say that this month was really a big eye opener for me. to make a long story short, i grew up. for the first time in my life, i had to think of other people first. particularly my family. for the longest time, the only person who got affected by my actions was just me. i was usually this happy go lucky person, bravely trying out all this new things without any fear of the consequences that might occur afterwards. i realise now that this is one luxury which i can no longer afford. i guess this is what they call responsibility. and i never thought that it would happen to me of all people. the person who would max out her 4 credit cards just to be able to go to boracay thrice in a year, shop for things she would never wear and not to mention, eat and drink in expensive bars and restaurants - something she shouldn’t be doing because she is supposedly on a diet.
sometimes i wonder why i’m here in sing and i realise that maybe there is a purpose for my being here. maybe i’m really here to help my family out. maybe this is the result of all my parents years of hard work. maybe the time has come for me to finally give back. and to tell you the truth, i’m humbled by it. but i can’t help but feel a slight pressure. if before i could easily go back home anytime i felt like it and go back to my old life, now it looks like it won’t be possible for the time being. being the spoiled brat that i am, i think this is something that i have to get used to. which is why i have finally decided to apply for pr and stick around here in sing a little bit longer. i ask myself, is this sacrifice worth it? then i remember most of my friends back home who have been through this before for the longest time. and if they can do it, i’d like to think that i can too. it’s just a bit ironic that being a prodigal daughter means coming back to your family, to your home, to where you belong…when in my case it really means totally the opposite. i hope that this prodigal daughter gets to come home soon.

i know, i know. birthdays are supposed to be fun…NOT! hehe. i can’t believe my birthday’s coming up next week. *sob* why? because i’ll say it (and maybe i’ll be the first woman ever to admit it) i’m…31. aaaahhhhh! the big 3-1. the last day of the calendar. the number when read backwards stands for bad luck. the number associated with small bra sizes. a waistline that a model can never have. the number of minutes i spend everyday in the bathroom. the number of minutes i spend in the freaking mrt each day to get to work. the number of minutes i spend in the glidex machine at the gym. i can’t help but think how on earth will i celebrate it this year? anybody got any bright ideas? feel free to suggest. hehe. i’m just so happy that for the first time my birthday doesn’t fall on holy week. bad but true. hehe. at least i’ll be able to eat something that i have been craving for recently - LIEMPO! hehe. i guess i just have to remind myself that the clock isn’t ticking and that in nine years time i’ll be 40. and that i’ll probably be in menopause. and after that i’ll be fifty with sagging breasts. aaarghhh!!! ok. i think i went far too ahead with that one. too bad though i won’t be celebrating it with all my friends back home. sniff! sniff! i guess getting older makes you more sentimental…not to mention paranoid. hehe. so to all my friends i propose a toast: cheers to more 31 years of friendship…to more drinking sessions, laughter and food. i can’t wait to see what the future holds for all of us. in the mean time - seize the day! let’s make every moment count! so who wants to meet up for drinks later?

for those of you who didn’t know, i was recently in manila for my lola’s 80th surprise birthday celebration. it was my first time to come home for just a short period of time. just three whole days to be exact. in other words - sobrang bitin…pero masaya. hehe! (sounds like a local porn flick or something) ‘bitin’ because i wasn’t able to go to my usual rounds of shopping (like 168 and market!market!), i wasn’t able to meet most of my friends (most of them where in pattaya for adfest) and most of all, i wasn’t able to spend time with my balikbayan cousins (who i haven’t met in 10 years and they’re going to boracay! *sob*). ‘masaya’ because in these few days, i was able to catch a midnight madness sale, go to conspiracy cafe and watch my favorite noel cabangon, eat at riverbanks, drink at cloud 9 antipolo, swallow as much sisig, lechon, chicharon bulaklak and green mangoes with bagoong, have a jamaican pattie, get a good pedicure, massage, tread my eyebrows and get a cheap eyelash perm (*blink* *blink*). hehe. dine at jollibee & cyma (yum!) and eat chicken joy and palabok - with half a regular yum with cheese! (double yum! hehe) and drink as much cheap san mig light and jack as i want. then come home at the wee hours of the morning and yet still manage to wake up at 8am to have breakfast with my parents. talk about making the most out of my vacation. but anyway, this recent trip made me realize the problem with vacations…

problem #1: you wish the last day of your vacation didn’t exist (lord, please press the slow mo button!).

problem #2: it makes you realize how much you miss home (and suffer from bouts of homesickness when you get back and ask yourself the ultimate question: why am i doing this?)

problem #3: how much you miss your friends…

problem #4: and family….

problem #5: you realize how cheap it is in manila. i go crazy whenever i see something for P100. hehe. but how come no matter how cheap it is, the money you bring doesn’t seem to be enough?

problem #6: you miss the night scene - the company, the familiar places, the food, the sound and the drinks.

problem #7: which leads to - over eating + over drinking = puyat overload - countless hours of sleep lost. so if you think you’re gonna have time for a rest during your vacation, i didn’t know there are still some very naive and idealistic people in this world. hehe. yes, i’m talking about you!
problem #8: you realized you missed living in an actual house, with actual help. hehe.

problem #9: reality bites. i cannot describe to you the total sadness i feel everytime my plane from manila lands in the airport. (cut to: a tear falling slowly in one eye)

and lastly…

problem #10: you can’t help but keep checking all the budget airlines for any cheap promos so that you can book your next vacation, even if it’s still in december (when it’s only march!)

can you believe it? i turned just turned one year this february here in sing. in a span of twelve months I have been to two countries and have flown thrice to manila. After how many litres of laksa, kilos of curry puffs, chappatti and kway teow noodles, countless bottles of tiger beers and heinekens, not to mention bottles of absolute vodka, bacardi, king roberts and black cat here are what i have learned so far in this land of lah…

1. we really take a lot of things for granted. i never really fully appreciated my life back home in manila until now. back home i was so used to being near close family and friends. and how cheap things are back home. arrgh! i miss cheap booze!

2. beer is beer. when you’re living in one of the most expensive countries in asia, you don’t have the luxury of being selective. as long as you have a living room, a working tv set, a magic sing, any drink with 5% alcohol and above, a few chips and peanuts, and good company = one damn good gimmick.

3. the best food ever created - curry. period.

4. the pay is so much better abroad. i hate to say this but working abroad made me realize that back home we’re being paid peanuts. we do twice the amount of work, we ot to death and yet we’re being paid less. it’s so unfair. if you’re practical and want to save up, better consider working out of the country.

5. singapore food is simply the best. probably my most favorite time of the day - lunch. here are my favorite eating places here in sing: hawker centre’s in newton circus, lau pa sat, s21 tanjong pagar road, psa, toa payoh, bishan st. 22, east coast park lagoon. food courts: the amara, junction 8 bishan, food republic wisma atria and vivocity, and bugis junction. the dimsum at lei garden chijmes, wa po in ritz carlton, chin swee rd, crystal jade and imperial treasures at great world. indonesian food: 4th flr lucky plaza and any nasi padang place in hawker centres. thai: temasek tower. prata: rotti prata in foodcourts of bugis, funan and junction 8. indian food: apollo banana leaf and muttu’s curry. duck & tar siew noodle: fatty ox. western: new harbour. crabs: jumbo in clarke quay. i could go on and on…

6. no matter how many times you clean, there’s always dust. i never touched a vacuum cleaner until now. let’s just say i miss having a cleaning lady.

7. you’ll never know what you are really capable of. you’ll be surprised at the things you can do while living alone. i never did so many chores in my entire life…until now. i never thought i could do the laundry, sweep, clean the toilet and cook. i never thought i had it in me. i actually enjoy doing the grocery - its my form of therapy. hehe.

8. independence is the greatest guru of all. before i went to sing i thought i was already very independent…not! i think i’ve grown so much this past year. i found out a lot of things about myself, both good and bad, how to actually relate with other people, the importance of patience, how to quickly adjust - to adapt. i also learned the value of learning from your mistakes, how to be more more sensitive towards those around me. kung paano makisama. to be proud of being a filipino and how good we are and probably most of all, having the courage and the strength to believe in yourself. living and working abroad is definitely not for the faint-hearted. you have to learn how to survive knowing that there wouldn’t be anyone to take care of you but yourself. after all this, i know that there isn’t any challenge i couldn’t face in the future. so to life i say to you - bring it on!

i guess one of the many perks living here in sing is the fact that traveling is cheap and they have a lot more holidays compared to manila. which is why this chinese new year we decided to go to BKK. it was a fun and tiring trip. fun because we got to explore the city on our own. getting lost on our first day despite having a map and all. let me tell you one thing about this place, its definitely like living in manila. everywhere i looked reminded me of manila. our hotel view reminded me of the railway beside the south super highway. the street outside our hotel in pratunam reminded me of taft avenue manila. its as if i never left home. the only difference is the strong language barrier. thank god for manila, where everyone, including tricycle drivers can understand basic english. im oh so proud of filipinos even more. but funny enough, we both gained weight in this trip. the culprit - delicious, disgustingly cheap thai street food! hehe. there goes my diet and my hours spent on the gym. well i’m on vacation after all. too bad though we weren’t able to visit some of the temples and the floating market (but the patpong show was an experience. hehe)…well maybe next time. shopping is another indulgence in bkk. i thought divi was an adventure enough. but divi is nothing compared to chatuchak - the ultimate tiangge in the whole world. after this adventure i hope people would come up with a t-shirt saying: i conquered chatuchak. hehe. but i guess the best thing we enjoyed in this entire trip was the daily breakfast buffets served in our hotel. hehe. as you can see it doesn’t take much to make me and my bf happy. hehe. looking forward to my next trip. hope jetstar would have another promo soon (hint! hint!), this time going to siem reap. hehe.

did i tell you that i celebrated my birthday here alone last april? yup, my bf had to fly to manila for a week, for an all expenses paid forced leave by the company (talk about timing right?). so it was one quiet but memorable celebration. quiet, because nobody in the whole agency knew that it was my birthday (di ata uso yun dito) and memorable because little did i know, my bf had a suprise in store for me. on the day before my bday, i left the office by 6:01pm, and went to my cousin’s house for dinner. it was holy week, so we had galunggong, monggo, talong and rice (yum yum!). incidentally, my cousin didn’t have any idea that it was my bday the next day. but i just didn’t feel like going home to an empty house on the eve of my birthday. hehe. to think that i was used to celebrating my birthday with a lot of friends and drinking to our heart’s content as if there was no tomorrow (something which i sorely miss here. *sob!*). luckily my cousin invited me. when i got home, i got a phone call from my bf. he asked me to open one of the pringle cans inside our room (yes, we used to have a pringles can collection. don’t ask me why. hehe). he told me that he had placed some money there and that tingnan ko lang if it’s still there because our room is always open. i was so sleepy and all and i wanted to tell him can’t we just do it tomorrow? but he sounded really concerned so i looked for it. after going through several cans, i finally found the right one. inside were 2 small light blue boxes with white satin ribbons and a note. inside one box was a three diamond pendant necklace. the other box had a pair of earrings of the same three diamond design. i was speechless…shocked. all the while i thought he had forgotten my bday. it was so surreal! i thought stuff like this happened only in the movies. i guess it was one of the most memorable bdays of my life (*sigh* i still smile up to now whenever i remember it). so you see spending your birthday alone in a foreign land isn’t so bad after all. this is definitely one for the books, and one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. : - )

you know what i miss most about manila? it’s coming home to your house after a long, tiring day of work and go straight to your room. here in my current place, i have to ride an elevator, go down two floors before I can get home. welcome to hdb paradise. the singapore government’s housing development or a nicer and safer version of ‘the projects.’ hehehe. but for me, its the place that i fondly call home and home to more than half of singapore’s middle class. here if you have a house, you’re considered bloody rich (so i guess we guys in manila are all bloody rich then. hehehe). i miss all the wide open spaces, the gardens, and the backyard where you can hang your clothes. here people hang their clothes from their windows with the help of bamboo rods. they just attach the clothes using clips. imagine if the neighbor upstairs is cooking or throws out something from his window or even worse, what if your clothes fall to the bamboo clothesline below. yikes! but don’t get me wrong, once inside it’s really quite homey. i guess we were lucky to find a gracious landlady with a friendly pinay companion. at least we have aircon and hot water. just like any home only smaller. and the best part about our hdb flat is right in front of a 24 hour grocery, market, a football field and a very big park that’s perfect for biking and jogging. there’s even a dog park. and its right smack in the middle of sing. so you’re practically close to everywhere. but i still miss my old home and my old room. who wouldn’t? i’ll never look at space the same way ever again. so i guess you’re wondering why not move to a newer flat or chic condo? have a place all to ourselves? well it’s all about saving really and budget constraints. maybe later on. who knows? so the next time your here in sing, do drop by the suburbs, look up, admire, and wave to the beautiful hdb units…who knows, you might be seeing me waving back.